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At Kane’s comment, I couldn’t help but scowl as I replied,
“I’ve always wondered—why is he always so early?”
“Isn’t it a gentleman’s virtue to wait for a lady?”
“Then next time, I’ll wait and tell him to be the lady.”
“Sure.”
I began walking, dragging my feet like someone headed to her doom. As slowly as I possibly could.
Kane, who was walking beside me, seemed to get frustrated by my sluggish pace. With a confused tone, he asked.
“If you hate this engagement so much, why not just call it off?”
“If it were that simple, do you think I’d be walking to go see Enoch like this?”
Unaccustomed to wearing dresses, I awkwardly kicked at the hem with each step. It must’ve looked ridiculous, because passing staff from Emblem couldn’t hold back their laughter as they watched me.
“After spending some time here at Emblem, I’ve come to a realization.”
“What kind?”
“The people here—if the Commander told them to die, they wouldn’t pretend. They’d actually go do it.”
“Ah.”
I gave a faint smile and nodded at Kane’s words. The people in my household cared for me a lot—sometimes, a little too much.
“If the Commander truly hated this engagement to the point of death, they’re the kind of people who’d cancel it, no matter what loss it might bring.”
“…”
“So why haven’t you said you don’t want to do it?”
I paused for a moment. Kane was right, actually. If I had sincerely said I didn’t want to be engaged to Enoch, neither my mother nor my father would have forced me. They love me far too much for that.
If I said I’d be miserable because of it, they’d rather bow their heads to House Gray and call the whole thing off.
I’ve always known that, ever since I was little.
And maybe that’s why I left it alone.
Because I knew I could say no at any time.
The engagement to Enoch only ever held that much weight for me—nothing more.
But now… it’s different.
“If I don’t go through with this engagement, I’ll have to treat Enoch like an actual enemy. We wouldn’t be able to go on missions together, we’d have to be cautious even about exchanging words. If one of us got hurt during a sparring match, it could give others an excuse to attack our family.”
“...Then how have you managed all this time without being engaged?”
“Back then, we were still young. I hid under my mother’s protection, and Enoch hadn’t yet stepped out from under his grandfather’s shadow.”
Now, both Enoch and I have become figures who represent Gray and Emblem in everything we say and do.
And now that I so clearly realize just how much weight our actions carry, it feels as though there are shackles around my legs.
“So what you’re saying is... you’re continuing this awkward, uncomfortable engagement just so you can get along with Commander Gray?”
“...Something like that. Besides, arranged marriages are common among nobles. Breaking them off isn’t easy.”
“It really is an unfathomable world.”
“Right?”
Kane and I looked at each other, and simultaneously shook our heads.
“Jessia told me that if I want to break off the engagement, I need to bring someone I truly love.”
“That’s the best justification you could ask for.”
“Yeah, but that’s actually the harder part.”
At my words, Kane gave me a strange look, watching me intently. It was the kind of expression that said he had something to say—but wasn’t sure if he should.
There was something suspiciously uneasy in his gaze.
“What? What is it?”
“It’s just... I can’t really imagine you ever having been in love. It must really be a tough challenge for you... I mean.”
“Hey! I have been in love!”
“Never heard anything about that.”
Kane looked at me like I was talking nonsense, and it irritated my pride.
“If you’d had a first love, there’s no way I wouldn’t know about it.”
“You haven’t even been at Emblem that long...”
“Everyone in this house seems to know everything about you. I even know how many dresses you ruined as a child.”
“How do you know that...?”
“I also know you used to pretend to eat your baby food and then spit it out in some hidden corner.”
“How do you even—?!”
I shouted, stunned, while Kane smiled slyly with one corner of his mouth curled up.
“People here are more than happy to share things if you just give them a little flattery about you.”
“So that’s why you’ve been wandering around instead of sticking by my side lately...”
“I did a bit of research on you.”
Kane lifted his chin proudly, as if this were all perfectly natural. That smug expression—he was clearly mimicking me. Which only made it more annoying.
“After all, I’m someone who needs to know more about you.”
“I think you already know plenty.”
“And yet no one’s ever mentioned anything about your first love. Unless it was Commander Gray, you’ve never even been seen alone with a man at a party. Never exchanged letters with anyone either. You just eat, train, spar, and sleep.”
Ugh, I got chills. Kane had clearly studied not just my habits but also my entire social history.
In that moment, I wasn’t sure if I had found the perfect adjutant—or made a grave mistake.
“You’re lying. There was no first love.”
“No, I swear there was.”
“Then that means... he’s someone in the Emblem Knights?”
Kane frowned deeply and muttered.
“Absolutely not. No way it’s someone from the knight order.”
“Of course not.”
I wrinkled my nose just as much. If my first love were actually among the knights, I’d probably throw up right here.
Still, saying I had a first love wasn’t a complete lie. I did have memories of a fleeting, childish affection.
Even if it didn’t belong to this lifetime.
"Come on, you're really never going to tell me your name?"
Knock knock. A quiet whisper behind the library curtain. A calm, low voice responded.
“There’s no need to tell you. And keep it down—it’s the library.”
“At least tell me what class you're in—and let me see your face.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m ugly.”
Despite being a student just like me, he had a depth and gravity that set him apart.
“Your voice doesn’t sound like it belongs to someone ugly.”
“That’s probably because all you’ve heard is my voice.”
“You’re so cold.”
“I’ll tell you later. Eventually.”
“When is ‘later’?”
“After we graduate.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. So for now, let’s stop chatting and get back to studying.”
Even the quiet sound of his breathy laugh stays with me.
I still carry the memory of that boy somewhere deep inside. It’s not something I recall every day, but whenever people speak about love, the memory floats gently back.
It’s the one memory I can truly call a friend, and just maybe... it had a tiny bit of love nestled beside it.
“Anyway, I did have a first love. One I held onto without even realizing it myself. And by the time I finally understood... it was already too late.”
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